So I was recently verbally attacked by someone on a private “blogging” site that I frequent. It is basically a place to write in a journal type form and you can use it for almost anything. A lot of people use it for writing about their life and the community there is really nice for the most part. We all know there are always those who have to ruin things, and that nasty little element stopped by my own section of the site and left a steaming pile of poop for me step in.

As it stands right now, I’m not sure if I will ever go back there to write again.

Ya see, this particular troll was sliding into my most private of posts posing as a friend. They proceeded to come to my most recent entries where I talked about some particularly heart breaking and difficult things and call me some of the most ugly, hateful, venomous things that a person could ever say. They did this under a different account than the one I know of, so at this point I’m still not sure which of my “friends” is betraying me. I know that they are doing this because they used things against me that only my close friends would have known about.  (You can choose to share things with only a select group of people on this site, and things they used as bullets came directly from those passages.)

So there I sat, my world feeling like it was in shambles and some hideous person was calling me names, tearing me down in every way they could think of, and basically being a disgusting ugly troll.

I snapped.

 

I raged at them in a way that I am NOT proud of. I tried to laugh it off but it was like a boiling pot and when I lost it, I lost it in the worst way possible. Anyone that knows me should realize my temper can be large and my tongue sharp. I held nothing back on this person. I was gross in every way. I had fed the troll.

In the end, I blocked them and deleted the entire exchange (on this site, when you block someone, every comment you make to each other is deleted) and try as I might I still can’t get over how absolutely vile this person was. It was as if they had not a single shred of human decency in their body. They didn’t even know the whole story, accusing me of allowing the state to take my child, when that didn’t even happen. My child was in the hospital for a serious issue… but even that wouldn’t have stopped this filth from vomiting out of them.

 

 

I think they wanted attention and in a sick sad way, enjoyed taking out their frustration and anger at whatever is going on in their lives on me. I didn’t know that person at all and to have them say those things to me is akin to walking down the street and having someone just punch you in the face repeatedly and spit on you and then walk away.

 

After I exploded I felt very sad. I don’t like to lower myself to that level, but I had been through a lot of hell and my ability to tolerate idiots was at a negative. So replying in kind was something that I almost had no control over except to say,

“Yes, devil inside me, have your way.”

 

I realize that the person who raged at me without really any provocation was probably a very sad and pathetic person. They are obviously missing something in their lives, that they have to go after someone when they are at a low point and slam their face in the dirt for no reason.

 

I know some people will say,

“Well, you put it out on the internet, you should expect this!”

 

However, this place I write is not some editorial, open forum for blithering idiots. It is a place where you talk about your darkest and lightest moments, where you reveal your secrets and your dreams, where you make friends and learn to open up to people, even if you never see them. It was a safe place. Granted, I knew I was open for some critique, and would even have reacted differently to a strangers voice if they came respectfully and with some sort of knowledge to back up their statement. This was just pure unadulterated hatred. They even went so far as to bash my ethnic make up, which was so ridiculous it was then that I knew this person just wanted someone to notice them.

 

They obviously couldn’t understand how a person could be comforted and cared about in a tough situation because they probably don’t receive that same type of support. They probably wanted to lash out because it didn’t make sense how anyone could not see what they so obviously saw as my flaws. They might have had a terrible childhood or a really bad week, or who knows. Their only coping mechanism was to find someone they considered prey and then go at their throat and rip it out. They felt satisfied to bathe in the blood of someone else for a change instead of looking in the mirror at their own self apocalypse.

 

 

I feel sorry for them.

 

I will never talk to them again and I don’t feel that I need to apologize. I gave them what they wanted and I’m sure the sick twisted face of their trolly soul smiled when I fed them my anger and rage. It’s what they live on, how they breathe.

 

 

 

It’s not the first time I’ve come up against people who have nothing better to do than trash others. Their lives are sad pits of black and their only reprieve is to try and drag others down with them. I know the internet is not a safe place and I know if I continue to write here, at the journal / blogging website, or anywhere else, there are bound to be more trolls.

 

What I have to remember is that those trolls are just looking for some love. They interpret love in a very twisted and warped way, but that is all they want.

 

Next time a troll saunters up and poops on my doorstep… I will clean it up, invite them in for a warm meal and hug them.

Ok, so maybe I’ll just block them and move on my merry way.

 

But I’ll do my best to keep my own trolly shadow demon locked securely in their cage so that all that is left is the rosy cheeked cherub with a box of chocolates to share.